----"Smart, funny, cute, and genuine ☺ Mature and thoughtful, but sometimes acts silly like a kid ☺ Guarantee sincerity ☺ Ballads, and the more simple the arrangement the better to my ears ☺ Signs of pathology, strange hideous growths, etc.☺ I think that probably made his day ☺ I made it through Friday the 13th without any major trouble…even opened an umbrella indoors to spite it. ☺ I had a checklist of the 4 Cs, and checked them all off. ☺ You've got a beautiful smile ☺ "New Directions." ☺ I think the perfect weather is when the sun feels good and warms you ☺ That's why I think it's kind of the perfect storm ☺ Did you see that? ☺ Love the image of you playing with the little guy in the waves with the fishes in the waves and him screaming with giggles ☺ There's this impressive railroad history in that area that has my interest ☺ You're like my new mustard, you know ☺ That was one sweet little pink uvula ☺ Dragon Ass? ☺ I am playing in the shit today."--------
The things you say...
I love you.
So, I went to bed last night kinda early because Lost was a re-run. I read for a bit, and fell asleep, cozy with my kitties. (I'm reading Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.)....more about that later.
Anyway, I woke up about 2 am all sweaty and hot, thinking I broke a fever (since I've been battling strep throat and a sinus infection lately). I got up, looked at a few things on the computer, since I knew I wasn't going to work today, and tried to dry off. It was still hot! I didn't know what was going on... I thought maybe I'd bumped the baseboard heater knob and turned the heat on. I looked at my trusty indoor thermometer to find that it was 78 f'ing degrees in here! Then I notice heat pouring though the doorway and walked into the kitchen. Well, the baseboard heat wasn't on, the front, left eye on the stove was on high! Holy Moly! How the hell did that get turned on?????? Oh My God! Am I trying to burn my entire apartment building down? How long has it been on?
After turning the eye off and making sure there was no danger of fire around, and recovering from the shock and scare, I developed a few theories for how this happened.
1. The cat turned the stove on. Uhhh... yeah, you think I'm crazy now? Lester is a trouble maker who knows how to open cabinets, climb to the tip-top of anything in sight, soften his food in his water bowl, get his greens from my houseplants, and make a game of the disciplinary water spray bottle. Yeah, he's totally capable of turning the stove on, even though it's child proof, Lester could do it. Don't get me wrong, I totally love my cat.
2. When cooking dinner or changing the kitty water last evening, I bumped the knob and turned it to its "high" notch without knowing it. I didn't notice the heat pouring out of the eye and went to bed to cozy up and get some healing sleep.
3. I turned the stove on in my sleep. Okay, I have been known to walk and talk in my sleep, but as far as I know I haven't sleep-walked since I was a child. I don't think I've ever tried to cook in my sleep. However, the doctor started me on antibiotics and Mucinex DM yesterday and I took my first dose before bed. Mom says she's allergic to all the "cillins", so I could have had a psychological side effect (I guess??) to the antibiotic. On the other hand, the Mucinex has "dextromethorphan" in it, and that could make me crazy, or crazier. I think it's a form of methamphetamine. Since I know that Sudafed (Little Red Screamers) and Nyquil and stuff like that makes me a little whacko, this theory is entirely possible.
I have no idea how this happened still. I've been pondering it all day, and have come up with arguments for and against each theory, and have not come to a conclusion. Argh! I hope this is a one time thing and I'm not really as dangerous as I think I am. Thank goodness I have renters insurance. Yikes!
Okay, subject change, I've obsessed about this all day... I think I'm done now.
The book I'm reading, Women Who Run with the Wolves, is fantastic. I recommend it for all women. It covers all kinds of issues: body image, belonging, gender and cultural roles of women, creativity, the "soul home", addiction, self-talk, loss, injury, joy, boundaries, rage and forgiveness, sexuality; to name a few. The author explores all these issues through story-telling. She's gathered stories from all over the world, all different cultures, and approaches them from a Jungian-based theory. I love the symbolism that she explores and the way she relates it to womanhood and life in general.
A couple of weeks ago, I read E the story of the Ugly Duckling. I remember hearing this story as a child, but never thought about the symbolism in it. The Ugly Duckling spends the first days or weeks of his life searching for a place to belong. Not only is he feeling like an outsider, he's got all kinds of body-image issues, and he keeps trying to solve the problem of not having a home in a destructive and "wandering" way. He goes through the process of growing and learning with bad choices that put him in danger and further the feelings of self-doubt until he finally ends up in a pond with a couple of large birds that recognize him as "their kind" before he even knows. This story really spoke to me, as have many of the stories in the book. I guess I was somewhat familiar with this story and could put aside following and learning the story to explore symbolic meanings.
I learned about this book from my friend and mentor, C. She talked about it all the time, encouraging me to read it, until I bought it on eBay. She says she read it years ago, and has recently revisted the stories and, since she's at a different place in her life, she's getting something totally different from it. I guess this is pretty typical of most books that you come back to, but it I guess I'm trying to emphasize the value of this book. It's a book that I'll hold onto forever (unless I burn my apartment down), and come revisit it often for guidance, learning, growth, and a wholesome story.
As the year draws to a close and winter sets in, I am reflecting on what I have experienced over the past year. 2007 was a year of meaningful changes. I have gained strength and courage. I have felt intense pain and shame. I have been faced with grief over several deaths and losses. I have found a new kind of love. I became more independent, I quit smoking. I both hated and loved myself.
11/3
End of beach camping trip with my special friend E. Special time - special companion - beautiful here... palm trees lining the pine forests that come right up to the pristine, white beach. Critters here - alligator at the visitor center pond, dolphins in the inlet - "cleansing beach" - made me cry yesterday - the beauty of the enormous, turbulent, angry waves - the way life is - it comes and goes - gets turbulent, then calm again, things wash in, then wash out, - the way life is - learned how to get oysters from the wild today - high tide - low tide - sunset, sunrise - all so beautiful - something to appreciate in every moment - so many distractions from what's uncomfortable in my heart - grief, anger, fear. Tell how I feel - tell how this has affected me - tell him never to do it again - take my power back, that's where my control is - never had it before - out of control means big shame - ashamed - not good enough, bad, stupid, fat, ugly, incompetent, my fault, can't do it right, shoulda, woulda, coulda - GOTTA LET GO OF THAT - I'm not the victim, I don't have to punish myself - no more giving my control away. "You shoulda protected me" - "I didn't know and it's okay" - "They should have listened, and it's not your fault." Love - the child, the adolescent, the young adult, the parent, the grandparent. I'm good and do good things - I deserve to nurture the little girl in me. I deserve to be good at my job, I deserve to nurture my gifts and I deserve to share them with the world. I deserve good and I'm responsible for making those things happen. Stop the resentment. I might struggle. I deserve this - my voice should be heard - in music, in speech, and in actions. I must use my voice.
11/11
Went to see the winning student and documentary films at the Asheville Film Festival today. WOW! The student film, The Little Gorilla, was great, and it was 12 minutes. The documentary, War/Dance was really powerful though. It was about orphan children living in a refugee camp in Northern Uganda. They told the story of how they were uprooted from their ancestral land by the rebels, and how they became orphaned. They had such frightening, unimaginable stories. The children in the camp continued to go to school, and part of their education was in music and dance. The children were preparing for a national music and dance competition. They told how important music and dance were in their lives for coping with the horror they faced every day. They talked about how it took all their worries away. Some of them seemed to live for playing instruments, singing, dancing. It was so powerful. It seemed they didn't censor the children's words about their experiences. The stories were so hard to listen to, but I'm am absolutely amazed at how brave those kids are.
Today's "This I Believe" on NPR was about the resilience of humans. So often, we think we can't handle the curve balls that come into our lives. It's pretty cool how humans manage the most horrible and difficult circumstances. I'd be interested to see those kids when they're adults... Is the music helping so much that they will be healthy? Is telling their story helping them to cope? This film was also a reminder that I don't have it so bad... I've never seen a murder or been kidnapped or lost my parents or had to live in a military protected camp. How can I ever complain about the circumstances in my life? How can I ever feel sorry for myself given what I saw today? Really makes me want to do something about it...of course, I am a rescuer by nature, but I was so touched by the passion and commitment the Ugandan kids invested in their music and dance despite all the bad things that happened to them.
11/12
Still thinking about that movie. The journal entry from 11/3 was something that I've been wanting to blog. It's part of my personal work. The 11/11 entry included an email I sent to E who took me to the movie. I'm just realizing how these could be related even though it wasn't my intention. I think it's important to remember that we all have difficult circumstances in our lives. What we do with those is up to us. We have a choice to keep our power, or to give it away. We have a choice to play victim, or not. We have to choice to let our voice be heard, or to keep quiet and let bad things continue to cycle and manifest. What a responsibility. What a privilege. I hope I will have the courage to make the right choice.
Ahhhh.... September... as hot as the summer was, the cool 40s are here right on time. Love it! I think this must be the most delicious time of year. Certainly life is delicious these days overall, but this kind of night is one of my favorite characteristics that make the Appalachians wonderful. The sun is getting lower, and the sunsets and sunrises this last week have been absolutely glorious. Other changes are beginning to take place in the environment - leaves are changing, rain has finally fallen in a healthy dose, critters seem to be active in their preparation for winter (as if there's anything for them to eat). I have always loved the Autumn.
I decided to blog tonight because I thought it would be a good way to process the events of the past couple of weeks. It's been a tornado of crazy, anxious, unsettled energy. By unsettled, I mean I have been able to get grounded and enjoy myself at times during the weeks, but something else presents itself and seems to destabilize my groundedness! I'm exhausted, but realizing I need to try to reorganize. So, here goes....
F*^$^ed up crazy stuff at work. Required to continue to work and pretend I don't know anything (which, I don't really). The mask goes on. I'm sad, anxious, afraid... but gotta do my job. That's all good... I love my job.
Mom's sick, J's having a baby, H sprains her ankle, U. J. dies, A informs me she's excluding me from her wedding party, "immediate jeopardy", Birthday Picnic, meet the parents, sleepovers, dead at work, swim in the river, lunch meeting, birthday cake, birthday ice cream, new hair, money tree, Nelly beans, mmmm mmmm, birthday dinner, tenderloin, mmmm mmmm again, construction, closet doors, new rug, moved furniture, shoe storage, increased intensity, decreased numbers, crazy-cleansing-energizing rain, the mask, amazing clouds, pretty birds, mmmm mmmm, memorial service, say goodbye, grief, fleece and sweatpants (not necessarily in that order).
Whew.... feel better now... thanks for enduring that!
I finally discovered yesterday that I was grieving, and it was important I let that process take place. It feels good to finally give myself permission to do that...
On the other hand, so much of the tornado was incredibly enjoyable and grounded and celebratory. I am so blessed to have some really wonderful and good things and people to distract myself with. Somehow what we need always finds us.
