Challenges, Privileges, Responsibilities

11/3

End of beach camping trip with my special friend E. Special time - special companion - beautiful here... palm trees lining the pine forests that come right up to the pristine, white beach. Critters here - alligator at the visitor center pond, dolphins in the inlet - "cleansing beach" - made me cry yesterday - the beauty of the enormous, turbulent, angry waves - the way life is - it comes and goes - gets turbulent, then calm again, things wash in, then wash out, - the way life is - learned how to get oysters from the wild today - high tide - low tide - sunset, sunrise - all so beautiful - something to appreciate in every moment - so many distractions from what's uncomfortable in my heart - grief, anger, fear. Tell how I feel - tell how this has affected me - tell him never to do it again - take my power back, that's where my control is - never had it before - out of control means big shame - ashamed - not good enough, bad, stupid, fat, ugly, incompetent, my fault, can't do it right, shoulda, woulda, coulda - GOTTA LET GO OF THAT - I'm not the victim, I don't have to punish myself - no more giving my control away. "You shoulda protected me" - "I didn't know and it's okay" - "They should have listened, and it's not your fault." Love - the child, the adolescent, the young adult, the parent, the grandparent. I'm good and do good things - I deserve to nurture the little girl in me. I deserve to be good at my job, I deserve to nurture my gifts and I deserve to share them with the world. I deserve good and I'm responsible for making those things happen. Stop the resentment. I might struggle. I deserve this - my voice should be heard - in music, in speech, and in actions. I must use my voice.

11/11
Went to see the winning student and documentary films at the Asheville Film Festival today. WOW! The student film, The Little Gorilla, was great, and it was 12 minutes. The documentary, War/Dance was really powerful though. It was about orphan children living in a refugee camp in Northern Uganda. They told the story of how they were uprooted from their ancestral land by the rebels, and how they became orphaned. They had such frightening, unimaginable stories. The children in the camp continued to go to school, and part of their education was in music and dance. The children were preparing for a national music and dance competition. They told how important music and dance were in their lives for coping with the horror they faced every day. They talked about how it took all their worries away. Some of them seemed to live for playing instruments, singing, dancing. It was so powerful. It seemed they didn't censor the children's words about their experiences. The stories were so hard to listen to, but I'm am absolutely amazed at how brave those kids are.

Today's "This I Believe" on NPR was about the resilience of humans. So often, we think we can't handle the curve balls that come into our lives. It's pretty cool how humans manage the most horrible and difficult circumstances. I'd be interested to see those kids when they're adults... Is the music helping so much that they will be healthy? Is telling their story helping them to cope? This film was also a reminder that I don't have it so bad... I've never seen a murder or been kidnapped or lost my parents or had to live in a military protected camp. How can I ever complain about the circumstances in my life? How can I ever feel sorry for myself given what I saw today? Really makes me want to do something about it...of course, I am a rescuer by nature, but I was so touched by the passion and commitment the Ugandan kids invested in their music and dance despite all the bad things that happened to them.

11/12
Still thinking about that movie. The journal entry from 11/3 was something that I've been wanting to blog. It's part of my personal work. The 11/11 entry included an email I sent to E who took me to the movie. I'm just realizing how these could be related even though it wasn't my intention. I think it's important to remember that we all have difficult circumstances in our lives. What we do with those is up to us. We have a choice to keep our power, or to give it away. We have a choice to play victim, or not. We have to choice to let our voice be heard, or to keep quiet and let bad things continue to cycle and manifest. What a responsibility. What a privilege. I hope I will have the courage to make the right choice.